I’m the parent of five adopted kids, and I’m here to tell you that I know a little about oppositional defiance disorder in children, or ODD for short. Dr. James Lehman, behavioral therapist and creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents, says that a day with a child with oppositional defiance behavior is a series of battles in an undeclared war. It starts when they wake up, continues at breakfast, intensifies when they have to get dressed, and doesnt end until they fight with you over bedtime.
Description of Oppositional Defiance Disorder
Best to start with what it looks like. These kids don’t cope well, tempers easily and frequently flare. They resent authority figures, forcefully boss other children around, and are often annoyed and frustrated. Blaming everyone but themselves for situations they’ve created. They also tend to pick friends who also have these characteristics, which tend to be angry, pouting teens.
A common complaint by Oppositional Defiant children is they don’t ever get what they want. This is become it is hard for them to use rational thinking. They want you to pay attention to them, however when you do you get shoved away. The crux of all this is these kids are difficult to like. That opens up another can of worms - feeling like a lousy parent cause you love your kid, but being with them is highly distasteful. Add their over-the-top behavior when you are around others and it is just plain hard.
I understand this because I have a few children that fall into this camp. The emotions of raising an ODD kid are difficult to handle.
How does a Child Get Oppositional Defiance Disorder?
First off, Oppositional Defiance Disorder is not related to self-esteem. Foundationally, it is their lack of problem solving skills that kick the behaviors to control through fighting, negotiating, bargaining etc. into play. Per Dr. Lehman it just doesn’t make sense to say that a child will comply if he feels good about himself. Mostly because how he feels cannot help him cope.
Ok, so knowing this, how do I put my family back in order?
Well, for starters time-outs are not effective for kids with ODD disorder. With the premise of time-outs being to think about the offensive behavior, the opposite is true for these kids. This is primetime “how can I get back at them” thinking. So the kid isn’t going to do the changing here, the parent is. There are 4 steps to help. I must add here 2 things. First, you can find more than these four in the Total Transformation program and secondly, I cannot even think of enough ways to express the wonder this has made for my family.
1. ODD treatment starts with structure and focused training that is set up with the goal of teaching these children the problem-solving skills they need to stop the acting out when they can’t solve a problem. You will have to actually demonstrate this be saying this is a problem and how can we solve it. An example would be - not getting up when your alarm rings does not solve your problem. It only makes you late for school. How can you fix this?
2. The focus of treatment needs to be on developing compliance and coping skills, not primarily on self-esteem. Kids get self-esteem by doing things that are hard for them. Children with ODD need strong praise and support as well as realistic rewards. A pat on the back for something they should already know how to do doesn’t cut it.
3. Avoid power struggles. Pick your battles carefully and win the ones you pick. Many times you can win a fight by not arguing back. Instead of arguing, set limits in a businesslike way and expect the child to comply.
4. Think through several different situation and your plan of action. Like what can you do if he starts mouthing off in the car or at your sister’s house or while at the market. Clue him in on what will happen, i.e. you start talking disrepectfully to me, after 1 warning, I will remove you from the situation. Make sure this wasn’t his desire in the first place, though.
In most cases, Oppositional Defiance Disorder is not the main problem. Usually it manifests itself into occasional defiance that isn’t out of control, just bothersome and distracting to the family. But if ODD treatment is not taken, it can become the main issue and even turn into Conduct Disorder, a very serious disorder that precludes anti-social characteristics and involvement in crime. So if any of this sounds familiar, it would be a good idea to start on a course of action found in the Total Transformation program. I recommend it because me and my house are proof it works!
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